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It’s possible I’m overthinking again… but I am not happy with Hayden right now. I hate even mentioning it because I know I tend to overreact. I am butt-hurt and the hairs on the back of my neck are standing on end. I feel like an angry cat ready to attack.

Hayden and I had a lovely evening last night. He hurried over to my place after he got off work. We went out for Mexican food, took a quick nap with overly full bellies, then watched an episode of Last Week Tonight and half an episode of Six Feet Under.

At one point during conversation, he told me he’d come visit again on Friday night and stay overnight. I told him that my sister, brother-in-law, and nephew were going to be in town on Friday night and would be staying overnight at my place. He seemed happy for us all to hang out together. (He met them once before, back in December.)

Mid-conversation, I realized that my mom was probably going to be in town, too, so I mentioned that to him. He said, “Oh, good. I’ll get to meet your mom.”

I was a little surprised he seemed so keen on it. I was a bit irritated, too, because I have yet to meet any of his friends or family. (I did randomly happen to meet one of his coworkers last weekend at the open house – how bizarre is that?!)

I responded, “You know, I still haven’t met any of your friends and family. You’ve met several of mine.”

He laughed and responded with, “There’s not many of them” and left it at that. Um. Alrighty then.

After he left, it occurred to me that if my mom was also going to be in town and staying overnight, she’d have to sleep with me in my bedroom. This meant that Hayden wouldn’t be able to stay overnight.

I hadn’t yet heard from him today so I sent him a quick text telling him I hoped his day was going well. We had some chit-chat back and forth, then he told me he was planning to visit his brother on Saturday. I know his brother’s girlfriend is in town from London so he’ll be spending the day with both of them.

I don’t have the kids this weekend yet, interestingly, he still didn’t invite me to join them. That feels pretty shitty.

I didn’t say anything about his Saturday plans, saying instead, “I found out my mom will also be in town tomorrow night, which means she’ll have to sleep with me in my bed. Can you stay overnight on Saturday night instead?”

He responded with, “Hmm.” That’s it. Nothing more in the past half-hour since he sent it. He’s apparently thinking really hard about it…. and I don’t know what to think.

The more I think about everything, the more hurt I am.

Maybe I should simply see this relationship for what it apparently really is: A loving FWB situation. That wouldn’t be terrible, of course, but I’d like to at least label it accordingly. If we’re FWB, I’ll date others. If we’re an actual couple with a future together, I won’t.

I can’t believe, at this point, I’m questioning what the fuck we actually are. He says he wants to be in a relationship with me yet he doesn’t want me to mix with his family. These two things are contradictory.

This might be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. I don’t want to be someone’s secret, dammit.

We’ll need to have a conversation about this soon and I might not like his answers.

He just texted back with, “How about I stay overnight on Sunday night? I’m meeting my brother on Saturday in Berkeley at 4:30 pm so I’ll probably just stay overnight at his place.” (His brother lives in Berkeley. From what I know about past visits with his brother, they seem to be heavy drinking buddies.)

I haven’t yet responded. Sunday will work but it’s not ideal, as I’ll have the kids that night. But I’d obviously prefer to see him than not see him at all. Sunday it is.

I heard from Lola last night. She said her husband, Trey, filed legal separation papers. They also had their first counseling session together, where she finally told him why she had the affair. He apparently wasn’t angry. After the appointment, they grabbed coffee together. She said they are enjoying an amicable friendship and she thinks they’re better as friends than spouses. That’s how I feel about Mars. I’m happy for her.

I really miss Lola as a supervisor and have been having a lot of growing pains recently. My work environment isn’t the same without her. A lot of things are changing. It’s been a big adjustment.

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