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I’m feeling really melancholy today. I’m confused and disappointed about recent dating events… and it makes me feel like a spoiled whiner for saying that. For the past 3 years until just recently, I’ve had a really good online dating experience. That’s pretty impressive if I must say so myself.

And then I have a mere shitty month of dating that affects my self-esteem. Is my ego really that fragile?

Or maybe I’ve finally reached the natural point in time where one becomes bitter, resentful, and jaded about constantly putting themselves out there only to be treated disrespectfully.

It makes me wonder if I’m putting out a certain vibe that is bringing this upon myself. Do I seem desperate or intolerant? Have I put up walls? Have I lost my appeal?

Maybe it’s simply the time of the year: the busy holiday season stressors of everyone scurrying around attending parties, finishing holiday shopping, and spending more money than usual. Maybe it’s simply making everyone less emotionally available.

My plans last night with the 23 year old English dude fell through. I didn’t confirm and neither did he. It’s just as well. I wasn’t eager to meet him.

I noticed that Tuesday night’s date had unmatched me without ever responding to my post-date thank you note. I thought that was shitty and cowardly.

I came home from work and made dinner of packaged ramen, which I hadn’t eaten since I was in college. The concensus: Ugh. I chased it down with a glass of spiked egg nog.

I was looking forward to watching Grace & Frankie on Netflix when I got a text from Dulce. He asked what I was doing. When I told him my plans, we had the following text exchange:

Him: Want to come and chill?

Me: Can you come here? My place is cozy and has furniture… even an xmas tree!

Him: Haha. I’m a bit far.

Me: Yes, you are.

Him: But you have a car.

Me: But you can get an Uber.

Him: Alright, I can go for a bit.

Me: For a bit? You need to leave later?

Him: I have a really early morning tomorrow since I am going up to Tahoe.

Me: Ohhh. How are you getting to Tahoe? I would drive to you but I’m cozy here and have already drunk egg nog.

So… he agreed to come here. He told me he’d arrive at 8. Then, a little while later, he asked if he could stay overnight since he was meeting his friends at 4 am in San Francisco. I told him of course he could stay overnight.

At 8:30, he said he’d be arriving at 9. Really??! I told him he was already half-hour late, but he defended himself by saying he had to pack all his ski gear. Ok, fair enough.

He arrived at 9:00 with his skis, ski gear, and suitcase. He set the stuff down and we immediately had a mini makeout session.

I gave him a quick tour and asked if he wanted wine or egg nog. He opted for water and said he needed to get to bed soon. I thought that was a little awkward.

He wasn’t very talkative. We sat down on the couch and immediately attacked each other.

I was horny. I wanted his cock.

We quickly undressed, then moved into the bedroom. Since I’m ovulating, I didn’t need any lube even with a condom. It felt amazing but I didn’t manage to orgasm. I was a little disappointed but figured there’d be more opportunities.

I laid next to him afterward with my head on his chest. He seemed distant, awkward. I got the impression he’s not affectionate. I asked him if he liked cuddling and he said that he’s not really into it. I was even more disappointed.

I asked him if it was okay that I was using his chest as a pillow and he said it was… but he wasn’t touching me back at all. It felt a bit cold and indifferent. I did like feeling his body heat, though.

We chatted a bit about how our weeks had been going, then around 9:30 he said he needed to get to sleep and asked if I wanted to join him. I wasn’t entirely ready to head to bed at 9:30 on a Friday night but since I’d had an exhausting week, I certainly could.

Dulce fell asleep almost immediately. I laid in bed for another 20 minutes trying to blink back tears. I really missed Hayden’s cuddles. I had to will myself not to cry, and soothed myself by telling myself that I could cry all I wanted today. A delayed reward.

As much as I want a FWB or fuck buddy, I realized last night that I also need cuddles with the sex or it doesn’t feel fulfilling. This was eye-opening.

But then it made me wonder: Do FWBs cuddle? And do cuddles automatically mean it would be more than FWB? Do cuddles equal intimacy and relationship?

I’m looking for a FWB who likes to cuddle. Does that even exist?

I’m now starting to doubt that a FWB situation will work for me. Fuck.

Eventually I fell asleep but I woke up every hour or so, tossing and turning before falling back to sleep. I had crazy dreams all night about doing heavy house cleaning in my ex-step-dad’s house. (I enjoy cleaning and laundry and all that stuff… systematically making order out of chaos.)

Our legs were touching most of the night. He probably never even realized it. But I loved the comfort of having a warm man in bed next to me.

Eventually, it was 3:30 and Dulce’s alarm woke us up. We laid in bed for about 5 minutes before he placed my hand on his rigid cock. I was a bit agitated as he still hadn’t touched me or even kissed me. I gave him a successful hand job.

He didn’t pay any attention to me or my needs, which I thought was rude and selfish. I was ready for him to leave.

Immediately after ejaculating, he got up, got dressed, and gathered his things mostly in silence then I walked him to the door. We said a short goodbye with a perfunctory hug and kiss.

I headed back to bed and slept for a little longer and have been up since 6:30 am.

I have a tentative date later today but am not sure I should make a big effort. We’d have to meet halfway in a city about 20 miles from both of us. I told him I’d research what we could do. As it turns out, not much. I told him we could meet for coffee, go bowling, or check out the Japanese garden.

Tonight I’m going to a friend’s cocktail party, then will be meeting Jill and another coworker downtown for late-night dancing at a downtown San Francisco club. I may be seeing Colombian Hottie tomorrow if he ever confirms with me.

I was seriously considering shutting down all dating apps but then I’d still be without a FWB. I was actually propositioned yesterday on Tinder by a cute 28 year old who was looking for a fuck buddy. I told him I was ideally looking for a FWB arrangement; he said he was simply looking for someone to fuck with regularity. I told him we didn’t sound like a good match.

I’m now regretting it. I never thought to ask him if he likes cuddling. If he did, it might have worked out beautifully.