Oakland Dinner Date

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Guys, my date last night was fantastic. Wow. I met him at a restaurant bar near my office at 4:30.

Name: Irish Spaniard

Met on: Tinder

39 years old, construction superintendent, never married, no kids**

He was sitting at a 2-top table in the bar near the door when I arrived. He looks like Mark! Holy shit. The face shape, the jaw line, the light brown hair, the blue eyes, and the goatee were remarkably similar.

We moved to a booth and immediately had smooth, easy conversation. There were no lulls in the conversation and I felt so comfortable with him. We ordered drinks to start (watermelon wheat for me, rum & coke for him), then dinner around 6. We decided to share the burger and the mussels.

With dinner, we each ordered another round of drinks.

He was a great conversationalist, very well-spoken, and I learned a lot about him. We laughed a lot. He was very genuine and honest. We spoke about our past relationships, our families, our jobs, and what we’re looking for. He wants a relationship! *gasp*

He was very complimentary the entire evening, saying things like I’m adorable, have cute mannerisms, and a great laugh.

I learned that his father was physically and verbally abusive during his childhood and was an alcoholic. His father committed suicide when Irish Spaniard was a young adult, which prompted him to spiral out of control soon after… and he was arrested for selling cocaine and meth when he was 22. He spent a year in the county jail – he’s an ex-con! He expressed a lot of regret and said it was a bad time in his life and he wasn’t making good decisions.

**When I asked him if he had kids, he said it was complicated: He’d just found out last year he has a 17 year old daughter living in San Diego! He’s met her once already and will be attending her high school graduation next month.

He has several tattoos on his upper arms, which were only visible when he held his arms a certain way. I’m not a fan of tattoos.

We repeatedly told each other how much fun we were having, and he asked me right then and there if I would like to go out on another date with him. Absolutely! We agreed on hiking in Marin on Sunday.

He asked if I wanted to take a look at his current work project – a 7-story historic building that will become hipster housing – located only a few blocks from the restaurant. I did.

He insisted on paying the dinner & drinks bill! Damn.

We held hands walking to his work truck. We kissed once there, then he opened the car door for me. I loved it.

He showed me around the construction site, which was an old hotel originally built in 1910. The tiny bedrooms with shared kitchen and bathrooms were going to be rented for $1,200-$1,800 per month when finished. I shook my head in disbelief.

We went up to the rooftop. It was a gorgeous day, unusually warm. By this time it was 8 pm. We sat side-by-side on the roof watching the setting sun and birds flying overhead surrounded by high-rises. It was peaceful and perfect. I laid my head on his shoulder and nuzzled his neck. Hard to believe this was a first date! We kissed. He said, “I think I like you a lot.” Be still my heart!

I couldn’t stop smiling.

I knew it was soon going to be his bedtime – he goes to bed at 9 pm because of early work days. We had to say goodbye.

He opened the truck door for me once again and drove me to the BART station. Once at the station, he asked me to stay put because he’d get the door for me. Aww!

We stood on the sidewalk next to his truck kissing and talking. Finally, I broke away and ran to the station steps, turning back to smile and wave at him before heading down.

I really like him but am a bit freaked out. We have chemistry, he’s a respectful gentleman, kind, and genuine… but he’s not my type. One day at a time, I suppose.

I didn’t get home until 10:30 last night. I had to walk the last 9 blocks (all uphill) because one of the buses was delayed. I didn’t feel well, like I was moving through molasses. Tired and achy and light-headed.

My friends insisted I take a pregnancy test that night even though my test strips wouldn’t come in the mail until today. I drove to the closest grocery store and bought one.

It was negative. Hallefuckinglujah.

I’m home sick today from work. I suspect I have a touch of a virus. I am bone tired yet can’t sleep despite only getting 6 hours of sleep last night.

Because I’m home sick today, I had to cancel my lunch date with the pilot. Unfortunately, rescheduling is going to be difficult due to his work schedule and my custody schedule.

I’m headed back to bed. It’s another unusually warm gorgeous day and I have all the windows in the house open. I just drank some bedtime tea and am hoping a breeze can lull me to sleep.

Love Languages Cliff Notes

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A couple of you had asked for more information about Love Languages so I thought I’d write an abbreviated Cliff Notes post about it. If you’d like to know more, though, check out the book The Five Love Languages by Larry Chapman. It has a 5-star rating on Amazon despite having over 11,000 reviews.

A love language is how we express our love and how we experience feeling love. Her are the 5 love languages plus a brief explanation:

  1. Gift Giving: A physical symbol that someone was thinking of you
  2. Quality Time: Undivided attention
  3. Words of Affirmation: Words of appreciation, compliments, verbal displays of love
  4. Acts of Service: Doing things you know your partner would like you to do
  5. Physical Touch: Loving touch such as hugging, caressing, kissing, massage, sex

A handy online quiz to determine your love language can be found here.

To be happy in a relationship, your partner must speak your love language and you must speak your partner’s love language. The problem is that we tend to speak our own love language to our partner even though it may not be his or her love language. Knowing what their love language is and how to speak it can help them feel more loved and more satisfied.

My primary love language is Physical Touch. My secondary love language is Words of Affirmation followed closely by Quality Time. Receiving Gifts and Acts of Service are not important to me at all.

What is your love language?

High & Low

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I have a dinner & drinks date tonight! And a lunch date tomorrow! Both are Tinder guys. Dating is on track once again.

Neither has disappointed me yet, which is a great sign. After we made plans to meet near my office after work, tonight’s dude sweetly said, “I’m really excited and am looking forward to meeting you and having a nice evening together.” Aww!

Tomorrow lunch dude is a pilot but lives locally and will be flying out tomorrow after our date. I’m not into pilots at all but he seems normal and nice. I’ll take a chance on a 1st date.

I asked Colombian Hottie if he was free tomorrow night for belated birthday drinks, but unfortunately he’s not. Instead, I’ll have a nice quiet evening to myself. Saturday night is Hayden.

Hayden came over last night. We went grocery shopping to buy dinner fixings (pork chops, salad, and hefeweizen) then made dinner back at my place. He was sweet, as usual.

We watched TV, as usual. Walking Dead and Sherlock. After awesome sex, he left my place around 11:30. Before leaving, he said, “I don’t want to leave but I’m too tired the next day at work when I stay overnight on weeknights. Can I come back on Saturday and stay overnight?” I didn’t have any plans; I told him of course he could. Honestly, I was surprised he was asking to stay overnight on his own volition.

He seemed more doting than usual but, of course, it wouldn’t mean anything anyway. I can never make assumptions with him. I know from experience that he can act one way toward me but feel another.

Today I happened to notice that he had re-activated his OK Cupid account. That stung. But it is exactly why I can never gauge his intentions on his actions and the touching moments we share.

I always need to remember the facts: 1) He is “bothered by our age and life stage differences” (his words, not mine). Those are significant issues – he likely won’t be able to get past them, and 2) If he were somehow able to get past them, I probably wouldn’t be able to trust him again. He’s not an open book.

I’ve been feeling a little down the past few days. I adore Hayden and think we are great together but a relationship obviously won’t work. I know he cares a lot for me, but he doesn’t love all of me. I am not what he ultimately wants. That hurts.

Logically, I know there’s nothing that can be done. We have fundamental differences. We’re happy together but can’t be together. It seems like a cruel joke.

When I do find someone who will love all of me, it will obviously change my relationship with Hayden. I’m going to miss what we currently have.

What’s Happening

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I canceled my date with Piano Guy last night. I was feeling down and just needed some time to unwind and relax after dropping the kids off with Mars. I felt terrible about it but he was very understanding.

I had forgotten to mention that I heard from Adonis on Mother’s Day. He sent me a text that simply said “Happy Mother’s Day.” Given that I hadn’t heard from him since last fall, this was a big surprise. I responded, “Thanks, Adonis! I hope all is going well with you.” No word since. I find it baffling, and now I’m beginning to wonder if he meant it for someone else.

I got a friend request on Facebook yesterday from The Blond Mandarin. I was shocked. I never responded to his last text in February. I accepted his request, then he sent me a message. I asked him if he’d found a job yet. He hasn’t. He now has a girlfriend, which I suspect is the same woman he told me about last time we were in touch. He said she was pushing to live together as a way to share rent and living expenses. He said the idea was very appealing, as he was struggling financially and relying on family, but that he wasn’t interested in a relationship with her. Guess that’s changed.

I told him I’m happy for him. He replied, “Yeah, I didn’t anticipate that but I need some support in these dire times so I’m trying to be reasonable and more commitment-friendly than usual.” Well, wow. Good luck with that.

There were a couple prospects on Tinder I was talking with… until they crossed the line (but for different reasons). I apologize – I’ve gotten lazy about hiding their faces.

It’s a pet peeve of mine when guys don’t read my profile, especially when doing so would answer their questions.

Exhibit 1:

Kevin1Kevin2

 

He wasn’t willing to read my profile even after I told him he could find the answers there? Unbelievable. Plus, he was vague with what he was doing in Kurdistan and when he would return to San Francisco. It seemed fishy.

I unmatched. Obviously.

And then there’s this guy, who seemed very promising: Age-appropriate and an artist (I’m a sucker for creative types) – his paintings impressed me. And he wanted a relationship.

All was going well… until he mentioned his cock.

Exhibit 2:

Dustin1Dustin2Dustin3Dustin4Dustin5

Side note: 7″ means nothing to me. And I wasn’t about ready to break out a ruler and think about it. Also, do guys really measure themselves? My mind was blown.

I sat with the information for a day, thinking I’d ultimately be okay with his lapse in judgment, but then I realized that I didn’t want to go on a 1st date¬† thinking about this guy’s cock. Too much information, too much pressure. Plus, it goes against my own rule of not allowing sexual talk until we’ve met in person.

I unmatched him this morning.

The 42 year old on OK Cupid I mentioned previously hasn’t been making much of an effort to ask me out. Yesterday, he sent me a message asking me if I was free last night. I wasn’t – I had a date with Piano Guy. I told him I was busy and haven’t heard back from him. I continue waiting. I initially offered Thursday night but he hasn’t given me word one way or another if that works for him.

I’m feeling blah about dating in general. I admit I haven’t been making much of an effort, either.

My period is still MIA. I took a home pregnancy test yesterday that I bought at the drugstore – it was faulty. There was no control line. I’m pissed. I took a gamble and bought just one test, which was 10 fucking dollars. I’m mad it was so expensive but even madder it didn’t work.

I always spot for 4 days before getting my period. I’m 2 days late right now; 6 days late if you count the spotting. I suspect this could be perimenopause but it’s odd considering I haven’t had any change in my cycles until now. My cycle tracker app is annoyingly sending me notices asking me if I’ve forgotten to enter my period start date.

Hayden has been texting me daily, which is very unusual for him. When he texted on Monday night, I’d told him I had the work day from hell and was dreading the next day because it was likely to be more of the same crap. He checked in with me last night asking if my day was better than the previous day. So sweet.

We’ll be seeing each other tonight.

He has been focused on health and fitness lately: eating better, running, and lifting weights. He has gained what I estimate to be 15 lbs since we met last August. I’m glad he’s taking the initiative.

My Mother’s Day Weekend

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I had a lovely weekend.

Hayden came over on Saturday night. He was planning to arrive at the same time I was going to be dropping my son off at his friend’s slumber party so I suggested earlier or later. I told him I could pick him up – my son’s friend lives near Hayden. Surprisingly, he agreed! (This was the first time he’s taken me up on the offer.)

He was going to be shopping and asked if I could pick him up the at the neighborhood grocery store. He was finished with his shopping and ready and waiting in the parking lot even though my daughter and arrived a little early.

He had purchased dinner fixings and presented me with a small Mother’s Day floral arrangement (red roses, baby’s breath, and green cocculus). Aww. I was touched he thought of me.

We relaxed for the rest of the evening, watching TV, eating pork chops and salad, and drinking wine. I had a bottle of Chilean sauv blanc and he brought an Italian pinot grigio.

And… HE STAYED OVERNIGHT! I didn’t even ask him to. Unlike last time, this time felt like old times. Intimate and affectionate. Sweet. Snuggly.

My daughter woke us up at 6:30 am by yelling “Happy Mother’s Day, Mama!” into the bedroom. My daughter played some Xbox while Hayden and I had quiet, leisurely, divine sex. Then I got up to make pancakes. Hayden joined us for breakfast.

I had placed his flowers in my favorite vase on the dining room table. While eating breakfast, I marveled at them again. He said, “You deserve it. You’re a fantastic mom.”¬† My heart nearly exploded. He appreciated me and acknowledged how hard I work as a mom.

He’s going to make a great husband and father some day. His future wife is lucky. Bittersweet thoughts. Mars is a great dad but I never felt adored or appreciated as I do with Hayden.

After Hayden left at 9, I hopped in the shower. I was in a rush to get ready, get everything loaded into the car, and pick up my son from his friend’s house before meeting family for a Mother’s Day lunch out-of-town.

I felt so thankful and lucky. I would be seeing my entire nuclear family, including my mom and my dad. Many of my friends and family don’t have that luxury. My family had graciously offered to meet me halfway even though there are 7 of them and only 3 of me.

I had purchased a thoughtful gift plus a large bouquet of purple mums for my mom (I’m not good at all with gift giving). I also bought small floral arrangements for my sister and sister-in-law.

Mother’s Day lunch was lovely. I was so happy to spend time with my family. My mom loved her gifts. I received a small sweet bouquet of sunflowers from my sister-in-law, which I joined with my rose bouquet from Hayden once I got home.

(The lunch bill game me sticker shock: $103 for my portion. Ouch. There goes my entertainment budget for the month! And then we got stuck in horrible traffic on our way home… but those were literally the only two downsides of the day.)

The kids got me a white stuffed teddy bear holding a heart that says “I love mom”, wrapped and paid for by Mars. Mars sent a text saying “Happy Mother’s Day.”

It was a happy Mother’s Day.

I have been exhausted. I think it’s from allergies. However, my period is also MIA. I’m 4 days late. I’m not too concerned… yet. Hayden and I use the withdrawal method (I use condoms with all other lovers) but yesterday morning I asked him if he was withdrawing completely before ejaculating because it felt like he wasn’t pulling out in time. He insists he pulls out in time.

Besides, it would be a damn near miracle if I conceived accidentally. I’m in my mid 40s, for crying out loud!

A more probable explanation for my late period is that I ovulated late or that I’m simply having a rare anovulatory cycle.

I have a couple dates scheduled for this week. Tomorrow night I have a 2nd date with Piano Guy. Against my better judgement, I scheduled a date with him despite canceling the last date. He’s not great with regular communications but he still reaches out occasionally to say hi, which I find endearing. I’m still not feeling that excited about seeing him again but I’m not going to cancel this time. It’s been about 2 months since our first date. It’ll be good to at least catch up, if nothing else. I’m not sure there’s a spark but I should know for sure after seeing him again.

I have a 1st date loosely scheduled sometime this week with a newbie I’ve exchanged a couple messages with on OK Cupid. He seems like a sweet, respectful guy and is completely new to online dating. Plus, he’s 42 years old so he’s age-appropriate. Woot! He wants to schedule the date via a phone chat, which I find charming. Scheduling calls are pretty difficult for me but we’ll work something out somehow.