Hello again

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I received my lab results today for last week’s lip swab. Results were negative for cold sores/HSV 1/HSV 2. Hooray! I’m relieved because it means this rash isn’t a repeated virus outbreak. I’ve had 4 incidents since February (I think? I’ve lost track) – I was worried my immune system was going berserk.

I’m glad it’s likely just a food allergy as my doctor suspected. I believe the painful lips and mouth may have been caused by pecans or mango so I’ve been avoiding those. The rash on my top lip is almost completely gone; my mouth no longer burns. I called my pharmacy and told them to cancel the numbing mouthwash prescription because my mouth symptoms have resolved.

Since Saturday’s doctor appointment, I have become strict with my diet again. I normally follow a paleo diet but have gotten progressively sloppy over the past few months. I was even drinking a glass of chocolate milk (!) or eating peanut butter & jelly sandwiches on occasion! I suppose it’s no surprise that my asthma and allergies have been flaring.

I bought some turmeric supplements as recommended by my doctor for combating inflammation and have been taking those every day, too. My asthma and allergies already seem much more manageable, thank god.

Still no word from Hayden. It’s fine. I don’t need an explanation. His silence is enough closure for me. I’m not even that upset, which I find bizarre. I’m not spending a lot of time thinking about him. I haven’t cried at all.

I even perused OkCupid last night. Imagine my shock and horror when I noticed that Hayden was also online. Oh hell no. That stung. Granted, he’s not the “dating around” type and it’s possible he was only online checking my status since I hadn’t reached out to him, either. If he did indeed see me online, he must know that I consider our relationship over.

I’m not completely blame-free. I admit I didn’t reach out to him on Monday because I was incensed that he didn’t contact me first to cancel an outing he had planned for Sunday. I was also a little bewildered by his inability to approve the Facebook tag request for the photos from our Saturday hike. (He had told me he was fine with me tagging him when I’d asked.)

I simply figured we’d talk about it next time we saw each other. That’s all beside the point now.

I have read and re-read our last text exchange on Sunday morning and don’t see anything that would have indicated something was wrong. On Saturday night, we’d had a brief lighthearted text exchange. Everything seemed fine until I didn’t hear from him on Sunday morning.

So I reached out. My text, in green, was cut off… but I simply texted asking him what time he was planning to come over to my place.

hayden-final-text

I sent the last text at 11:01 am on Sunday. No response since.

Sure, I could have reached out. Not doing so is probably immature of me… but I feel like I have done my part being the supportive girlfriend. Any reasonable boyfriend would text back with something like, “Let’s reschedule for another weekend” or “I feel terrible” or even  “thanks baby.”

Maybe I’m being petty. Maybe he really is struggling. However, I’m not going to to chase him down. He’s an adult. He can handle his shit, even if that simply means him reaching out and telling me what’s going on or, heaven forbid, asking for help.

I’m not a fucking mind reader.

And so, in the absence of an explanation, I have to move ahead and consider this a formal break-up.

I’m OK with it. It was time. As much as I loved what we had, I wasn’t completely fulfilled. I wanted someone more emotionally available.

I marvel at how different my two post-marriage relationships have been. Tex was up my ass 98% of the time. He was constantly pushing for more togetherness, more commitment. He seemed to be on the fast-track to marriage despite critical issues in our relationship – a big red flag. Hayden was the complete opposite. He would retreat as soon as we became close. He was an emotional yo-yo. He was also so private that it made me wonder if he was hiding something.

I don’t know where to go from here but I do know I need to try a different tactic. Friends-first online dating for a while? Unplugging from online dating and trying my hand dating “in the wild” for the first time in 25 years?

What is my libido to do??! Geezus, this is dismal.

I’m starting to wonder if any normal, well-adjusted guys ripe for a relationship exist anywhere.

Although I love being in relationships, I also love being single.

Goodbye snuggly half-asleep morning cuddles. Goodbye hand holding. Goodbye heart-bursting glances of affection and knowing smiles.

Hello doing whatever the fuck I please. Hello Hitachi magic wand – I have a feeling I’m going to get much more intimate with you. Hello hobbies, solo adventures (and maybe a few dates), and quiet time.

It’s the first day of the rest of my life.

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My mind is a seething volcano

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I still haven’t heard from Hayden. He usually checks in mid-day but didn’t today. We usually see each other on Monday nights but he didn’t check in after work to tell me he was on his way over.

I vacillate between being pissed and being relieved. His behavior certainly makes it easy to draw a line in the sand and move on.

A break-up is inevitable, but at least it will be on my terms. I cannot tolerate this bullshit.

(I know I’m being dramatic; I’ve had a couple glasses of wine after being home all day with my sick daughter.)

I’m glad he didn’t text me tonight to say he was on his way over because I was going to tell him to not bother and/or to fuck off. Honestly, I don’t know what I’ll say when he reaches out again.

Of course, I expect an explanation from Hayden but I don’t see how this could possibly go well. What could he tell me that will excuse this behavior? Especially because I just interrogated him on Saturday about talking to his doctor! He admitted that he forgot to make an appointment. Hmm, ok. I thought it might have been an honest mistake because maybe things were going well for him, but now I just wonder if he was procrastinating and/or avoiding it.

I am mad because 1) He didn’t reach out first on Sunday to cancel our day trip, and 2) He’s ghosted since his half-assed cancelation apology.

I expect better.

 

Disappointment strikes again

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Hayden canceled our tide pools trip to Half Moon Bay. I’m a bit pissed.

He had told me yesterday that he’d come over in the morning so we could head down there. At 10:30 this morning, I still hadn’t heard a peep from him.

I texted him, “Good morning! What time are you planning to come over for the tide pools?”

He replied, “Hi I’m sorry but I did not sleep at all last night. I have to pass for today… sorry again!”

For fuck’s sake. I’m irritated because: 1) He didn’t text me first to let me know, 2) He’s tired? Is he planning to sleep all day today? The tide pools don’t take very long and I would be driving anyway, 3) He’s the one who suggested going to Half Moon Bay, and 4) My daughter is disappointed. She doesn’t want to go without Hayden.

I asked him why he didn’t sleep. He said he didn’t know, that he just kept waking up throughout the night.

I believe he has good intentions but has trouble with follow-through.

It’s fine. My daughter and I are rescheduling our day. Instead of the tide pools, we’ll go out to lunch before pedal-boating on Stow Lake in Golden Gate Park, then run some school-related errands.

Happy Sunday!

Taming the shrew

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I spoke too soon about keeping my Anxious Attachment in check.

I saw Hayden on Wednesday. We were both exhausted from busy days so we opted to order in dinner delivery and watch shows on TV. Wednesdays are my kid-free nights yet there was no sex that night. Boo.

He said he was so tired that he’d just want to fall asleep afterward and not travel all the way home. Fair enough. I understood his reasoning but still felt pouty.

On Thursday and yesterday he didn’t text mid-day like he usually does. On Thursday night, he checked in after work. I still had some residual agitation.

I had a frustrating day yesterday. I was super busy at the office. I dealt with emergencies and attended a last-minute project team meeting… both of which meant I didn’t get to complete most of the items on my to-do list. Then I left early because I’d made a same-day doctor’s appointment.

I have a few things going on with my health at the moment but I’d made a same-day appointment with my general practitioner to discuss the very painful tiny rash on one lip plus a burning mouth and tongue. I’ve been getting them off & on for the past 8 months and thought they were cold sores as mentioned here and here. But with this “outbreak” my mouth started hurting, too. That was new.

Yesterday, the rash on the lip was weeping and so painful that I could barely talk. (Moving my lips hurt!)

I made an appointment with my doctor’s office in a location near my office. I arrived right on time then was told by the receptionist that they couldn’t see me at that location if I wanted it covered by insurance. My medical group dictated that I have to see the doctor in San Francisco.

Are you fucking kidding me?! I asked them what my options were. He said, “You can be seen here and pay $125 for the office visit as it won’t be covered by insurance or you can call early tomorrow morning and make a same-day Saturday appointment in San Francisco.”

I opted for the latter… but I was bent out of shape for the wasted time driving in traffic plus having to leave work one hour early for a bogus appointment.

By the time I got home, I was in a pretty surly mood. I was still surly when Hayden arrived last night. Fortunately, I was able to calm down and enjoy dinner at a Japanese restaurant with Hayden and my son. We watched shows last night and went to bed early.

Finally, sweet sex last night and this morning! Our sex schedule seems to be easing up quite a bit – I’m not happy about it. Now it seems we only have sex one night per week on a night he stays overnight.

Hayden was so sweet and cuddly last night. He gave me a back massage and we watched a couple episodes of Six Feet Under, then went to bed early to get some alone time.

We woke up early this morning so we could do an urban hike on Mount Davidson. My son opted out so it was just me and Hayden. It was a beautiful day, albeit hazy and foggy. We took lots of photos. I asked Hayden if he minded if I uploaded the photos on Facebook and tagged him. He said no, he didn’t mind at all. I asked again, wanting to be sure he was really okay with it. He shrugged it off and said it was absolutely okay.

Side note: I uploaded the photos later and tagged him but Facebook removed the tag, which must mean he has his privacy settings set so that he can’t be tagged in photos. Hmm.

At one point on the hike, I walked through a spider web. The web hit my face and was strong like a black widow’s (it “snapped”). I freaked the hell out, screeching and stepping backward hard into Hayden, almost causing us to fall down the steep hiking trail. God, that was embarrassing.

After the hike, we came home and took short naps cozied up together in bed. Hayden left soon afterward, saying he’d come over again tomorrow. I asked him why he didn’t just stay the night again and he said he had things to do, he needed to spend a chunk of weekend time doing household chores. OK, whatever.

My son and I went to lunch. That’s when I uploaded the photos onto Facebook. 1 of the 7 photos was of Hayden and I. Colombian Hottie was one of the first to “like” the photo album.

He had sent me a Facebook message earlier this morning with just a simple smiley face but I didn’t get a chance to respond until this afternoon, on my way to my rescheduled doctor’s appointment. *A San Francisco appointment covered by insurance*.

He asked what I was doing, and I told him I was on my way into a doctor’s appointment, explaining my lip & mouth issue. He said, “Think a kiss would make it feel better?”

Um. Hmm. He’d just seen a photo of me and Hayden just a couple hours earlier! It was clearly a relationship photo because we had our arms around each other and heads touching. Did he not notice, or not care?

That’s when I told him I had a boyfriend. He congratulated me and said he was happy for me.

I don’t understand him.

As for my doctor’s appointment, the burning pain and tiny dry rash is a symptom of a food allergy. Not cold sores. Thank god! My doctor thinks it’s likely caused by mango, pineapple, citrus, nuts, or could even be from pesticides. I suspect it’s from pecans or mango.

She prescribed some numbing mouthwash and told me to liberally apply Aquafor on my lips. And she took a swab of the rash just to confirm it’s not cold sores. Geez, the swabbing was not pleasant! My lips got angry afterward: even more burny and itchy.

The other puzzling health issue is likely from bacterial vaginosis. I’ve had it a few times as mentioned here, here, here, here, and here.  My current symptom, as I’ve experienced before: Vaginal discharge with foul odor.

And I’m talking foul. I’d catch of whiff of myself occasionally at the office and be like, “WTF?! Why does it smell like shit? Oh, oops. That’s me.” It was super embarrassing.

I Googled home remedies – none of them worked. I was getting desperate and was contemplating finally biting the bullet and making an appointment with my gynecologist… until I remembered the advice she had given me last time I’d had it.

She didn’t want to treat it with antibiotics because she said it almost always resolves on its own. The bacteria grow because of a pH imbalance. The remedy: Stop using soap. I told her, “But I use a natural castile soap. Dr Bronners.” She said it didn’t matter.

My symptoms resolved 2 days later.

Thank god I remembered this! It seems counter-intuitive but it worked this time as well! I didn’t use soap on my vulva during yesterday’s or today’s shower and the smell is completely gone today. I’m amazed!

Hayden is coming over tomorrow morning so that we can do a day trip to Half Moon Bay. I’m touched that he offered and was willing to spend both weekend days with me. This is a promising change.

Attempting Secure Attachment + Thoughts on Past Dating Profiles

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I think I’m getting better at self-soothing my anxious attachment style! There may be hope for me yet. Here’s what happened:

I texted Hayden this morning at 11, asking him if he slept well (the heat has been keeping him awake at night) and if he could send me one of the photos he took of us while hiking last weekend.

I normally receive a response within an hour. By 2 pm, I still hadn’t heard from him. I was slightly agitated. Yes, he could be busy… but he usually texts me mid-day to check in anyway. Then I started worrying if my texts were getting dropped, which happens occasionally. Ugh, I need to get a new phone!

For about 5 minutes I wondered if he was having a change of heart again. But only for 5 minutes. I reasoned with myself, telling myself that there was honestly no reason to think he would do that. I needed to give him the benefit of the doubt. Things were going really well with us and I felt really secure for the first time in our relationship.

But I also wanted to double-check that he received my text, and that I received his. So I sent a simple text saying, “Are you okay? I didn’t get a response.”

Then I immersed myself in work again and didn’t think much of it. It helped that I was super busy today. My productivity was through the roof!

Finally, I received several texts from him at 2:30. He said he was sorry he didn’t reply – he was extremely busy with a work event – then he sent all 3 photos and said, “Damn, we are so cute!”

Phew. I was glad to see he was okay, that he got my texts, and that my phone hadn’t dropped his return text.

All was well again. I am proud of myself for not getting too bent out of shape. I’m getting better at controlling the anxiety and think I’m getting better at controlling the avoidance as well. Yay!

I’ve been reflecting on dating profiles lately, namely the dating profiles of past dates/lovers/boyfriends mainly because I recently realized that I never talked about Hayden’s OkCupid dating profile.

I’ve mentioned before that I let the dudes reach out first on OkCupid because I haven’t had any success doing so. 98% of the time I don’t get a response. 2% of the time I get a “thanks but no thanks” response.

The most I’ll do is hit the like button. I don’t have A-List membership so I can’t see who likes me. Maybe it would help my success rate if I knew they liked me beforehand.

In any event, I know I’ve mentioned before how I have had the most luck just sitting back and letting the dudes come to me. It happened with Tex, it happened with Joaquin, and it happened with Hayden.

Hayden reached out and said, “You’re really really cute.”

I looked at his profile. I don’t remember anything about it except he had only one photo. It was taken pretty far back and he looked like he was 20. WTF.

I asked him about it. He said it was indeed an old photo. I asked, “Don’t you have more recent photos?” He said of course he did but OkCupid wouldn’t let him upload them for some reason (possibly too large).

We immediately had engaging conversations and then, after a week or so, I asked him to send me a more recent photo through text. He did, and I swooned. He was adorable.

Before our first date, we had a long 5 hour phone conversation.

You know the rest.

I find profiles fascinating because they aren’t always a good indicator of the person behind it.

Tex’s profile was ridiculous… a bunch of blather about nothing. But I appreciated that his first message asked a question that proved he had read my profile.

I don’t remember anything about Joaquin’s profile. However, his first message to me was really insightful and emotionally mature.

I think having a completed profile is important, of course, but I think the first few messages sent are the most telling.