4 Days in a Row!

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Hayden and I will be seeing each other tonight…making it four days in a row.  (!!!!)

We’ll be watching The Bachelorette tonight.  Hometown dates are happening tonight – should be extremely entertaining.

Hayden arrived at my house after work on Friday night. I insisted that he eat his leftover taco from Wednesday night that he’d forgotten in my fridge before we left for the movie theater to see Wonder Woman. My plan was to get a hot dog once at the movie theater. (The hot dog was disgusting, by the way, and gave me an upset stomach.)

Wonder Woman had impressive reviews so my expectations were high. Unfortunately, I was a little disappointed. I will admit that I have zero knowledge of the comic book story so that may be why? I had all sorts of preconceived ideas that turned out to be false. For example, I did not know that she was a Greek goddess. I thought she was American (I recall a red, white, and blue outfit with stars).

I had so many questions afterward. Why were all the woman on that secret island so gorgeous? And… let me get this straight: Diana’s mom had sex with a god?? And the God of War, Aries, lived his life as a German officer? Or was he an English officer? Or was he a spy??? Be he’s also a Greek god….?! I’m so confused!

The movie plot was hard to follow. I enjoyed it but it’s far from my favorite superhero movie. (I remain a huge fan of Iron Man.)

Both Hayden and I had had a long week and were exhausted so we went back to my place and went to bed early. He left after breakfast the next morning. We both had errands and chores to do, but he said he’d return around 3 pm so we could go grocery shopping for our picnic dinner later that night. We had plans to see the classic 1991 version of Beauty and the Beast at a downtown park.

We bought all sorts of goodies: packs of hummus & pitas, cherry tomatoes, crackers, fancy cheeses, sliced mango, potato salad, and cute individual cans of sparkling wine.

We got to the park a little early and set up our blanket and enjoyed our picnic dinner. The last time I’d seen Beauty and the Beast was actually in the theater in 1991. I don’t recall much about it except that I was annoyed at the pompous village dude named Gaston. Hayden saw it in the theater, too, but he was a little boy so he barely remembered it.

We were both horrified by the story line:

  • Belle is quirky (she likes books?! *gasp*) but is “the most beautiful girl in the village”… so much so that the pompous village asshole, Gaston, wants to marry her and will not stop at her saying no. Gaston admittedly only wants her for her beauty.
  • Beast was turned into a beast because of a spell. The spell was cast because he was a massive jerk.
  • Beast takes Belle captive as a sort of “swap” – her dad was originally held captive for trespassing into the castle but he was old and his health was iffy so Belle asked Beast to take her instead.
  • Beast had somehow forgotten all table manners/ how to eat with utensils after being under a spell for just 10 years.
  • Belle falls in love with her beastly captor after what seems like just 2 days… and only because he starts to show small gestures of human kindness.

I was agitated after the movie. We both had lots of questions. Why was Beast’s staff also put under a spell? That seemed unfair. Also, what would have happened had the beast not been rich? Belle wouldn’t have fallen in love with a poor Beast in a shack. She would have had to sleep in a barn and make her own meals…..!

And Disney can just stop with beautiful princesses. Actually, that goes for all of Hollywood. The emphasis on looks is ridiculous and sexist.

By the time we arrived home after catching an Uber, it was 11 pm. Hayden had asked if I wanted to watch Wimbledon with him at 6 am the next morning (of course I said yes) so we immediately climbed into bed and fell asleep.

Hayden was a high school tennis star and is passionate about the sport. I hadn’t played tennis since I was in high school myself so he had to explain the scoring to me. Watching the Federer/Cilic match was interesting. I don’t think I had a typical Wimbledon watching experience, though, because of Cilic’s emotional and athletic performance breakdown.

After Wimbledon, I left town to see family in the sweltering valley heat. I was on/in the water so it wasn’t as unbearable as I expected.

It was a busy but super fun weekend and I am feeling good about where things are with Hayden.


 

I wrote that post several hours ago. So much has changed since then! Hayden canceled without explanation. It’s over.

I didn’t hear from Hayden last night or this morning. I wasn’t too concerned. I sent him a text on my lunch break asking if he still coming over to watch the show with us. He responded of course he was and asked if he could bring anything.

I told him no, I was planning to get a pizza delivered… but then told him he could bring some beer, wine, or champagne if he wanted. He agreed.

At 6:28, I got a text from him that said, “Hi I’m on my way! I have wine too!”

I replied, “Yay! I’m ordering pizza now.”

At 7:10, he sent a text saying, “I’m sorry Lauren I have to cancel tonight.”

I was alarmed. For one, he always calls me baby or honey in text. Never Lauren.

I kept expecting a text with an explanation but it didn’t come.

I asked him, “What happened??”

No response. My imagination was going wild. Was he in an Uber accident? Did he have a family emergency? And the worst: was he drunk?

15 minutes later, still no response so I sent another text, “Are you OK? I’m worried. Can you call me?”

He never called.

At 10:15, literally just a few minutes ago, he sent a text simply saying, “I’m okay… don’t worry. I’m fine.”

I immediately texted, “I’m pretty pissed. What was your reason for canceling?”

That was 15 minutes ago. Crickets.

I am pissed is an understatement. There is no excuse for this bullshit.

 

A Short History of My Relationships

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Every so often I need to give myself a pep talk. Writing everything out here helps me process my feelings, as does getting all your lovely comments and insights. I love being challenged to dig deep into myself… so thank you.

Sometimes I think I’m just screwed up when it comes to relationships. I wonder if I just don’t know how to have a healthy relationship. I certainly don’t think I’ve ever had one before. My relationship past is littered with heartbreak. Of course, I am not without blame; I played a role in it just as much as the guys did.

This is a history of my significant relationships:

  • J: My first serious relationship. I met him when I was 17… only I lied and told him I was 18 (I met him in an 18+ dance club I had used a fake ID to get into). J was 25 but lied and told me he was 24. I lost my virginity to him but told him it wasn’t my first time. I was intimidated by this “older man” and wanted him to think I was more experienced than I really was. He had all his shit together, i.e. he had already graduated from a prestigious private university with a degree in mechanical engineering and was an airplane navigator in the Navy. We dated for a year and even seriously discussed marriage when he thought he was going to be relocated to Spain. Instead, he was relocated only about 150 miles away so we maintained a long-distance relationship for the last half of our relationship. Our demise ultimately happened when he lost his wallet while helping me move. I found it a few days later under the outdoor stairs of my apartment complex. I checked to make sure everything was intact and found a business card for a matchmaking service. I still remember the name of the company: Successful Singles International, now defunct. I calmly called him and broke up with him over the phone. We kept in touch occasionally after that but have been Facebook friends for the past 7 years. He’s divorced with 3 kids.
  • Brat: I was 22, Brat was 24. We met at work. I was a student intern; he was an environmentalist. We had an off & on relationship for over 2 years. He had a leg fetish and loved when I wore stockings or tights. He gifted me many pairs of tights and then would rip a hole in the crotch so he could caress my legs while we had sex. Ultimately, I moved on because he was unable to express his feelings and I doubted he loved me. He was pained by my decision to end the relationship. He even asked me if I put a spell on him because all sorts of bad things started happening to him after our final breakup. And then the kicker: he said, “Laur, I think I love you” and it only pissed me off further. (Not to mention it made me think of The Partridge Family.) He thought he loved me? Dude, that’s not the way to win back your ex-girlfriend! Own your feelings! He was too afraid of the L word. I don’t know Brat’s current whereabouts (he is mysteriously absent from all social media) or marital status but I am pretty sure he still works at the same company.
  • Gravy: I was 25, Gravy was 28. We met while on an exchange program in Germany through our university but we didn’t start dating until we returned to the States. To this day, I think of him as the “one who got away”. We only went out for 6 months and would probably still be together had he made me more of a priority. I came after his job (he owned his own company), university, and rugby (he was pro). When I asked for just one standing evening per week I could count on seeing him, he balked and refused. Oh hell no. I wasn’t going to be at his beck and call and I didn’t think one standing date night per week was too much to ask, but it apparently was. Our relationship was awesome otherwise. It was a sad and brutal breakup. He tried to get back together a couple years later but by that time, I was seriously dating Mars. Thanks to internet stalking, I just so happen to know he now lives within a few miles of where I work, is married with twin girls, and his wife is a Type-A superstar clothing designer that works for Athleta.
  • Ratbert: I met Ratbert while bar hopping with friends in San Francisco (despite living 100 miles away) when I was 26. He was 29. We lived in different cities so we didn’t have our first date until several months later. On our second date, he professed his love (whoa, dude!) and told me I was the perfect woman for him. I was suspicious but thought, ‘hmm, maybe he knows something I don’t….’ We were engaged 2 months later and immediately started planning a fall wedding. I quit my job, left my friends & family, and moved to southern California / Orange County to build our life together. Once in southern California, I had my doubts about our compatibility but wasn’t a quitter. Two months after I’d moved in with him and completely upturned my life, he told me that he wanted to postpone the wedding. I was crushed. I had made all the major life changes; he’d made none other than making room in his condo for me. So many thoughts were racing through my mind. If I agreed to postpone, how long would we postpone? Would he change his mind again? Why did he propose if he wasn’t ready to get married? In the end, I told him that we would either go ahead with our original fall wedding date or cancel altogether. I gave him a weekend to think about it and he took off on a solo backpacking trip to do some soul-searching. He came back and told me he wasn’t ready for a fall wedding, he just needed more time. I firmly said no and told him to call his parents to break the news. He did, in a sad gravelly voice. We lost lots of money on wedding venue and vendor deposits. We continued dating while I lived down there (he was my only local friend) but I knew in my heart there was no future with him. A few months later, I relocated to San Francisco… and have been here ever since. Ratbert and I keep in touch every 4-5 years. He’s married and still living in southern California. Last time we’d had contact, he told me he and his wife were undergoing many failed fertility treatments hoping to have their first child. I hope they’ve succeeded by now.  **Ratbert is the last love interest I met “the old fashioned way”, i.e. not online.
  • Mars: I met Mars within 3 months of moving to San Francisco. I was 27, he was 31. We got married when I was 32 and were married 12 years. You all know the story – I won’t reiterate. I don’t regret marrying him. I made a great choice for a husband and the father of my children. Since divorcing, we are happily co-parenting.
  • Tex: Tex was one of the first guys I dated after separating from Mars. You can read about our first date here. There is plenty of reading material regarding Tex on this site for the backstory if you’re interested. Our entire relationship is detailed on this blog. Our relationship ended ridiculously but the silver lining is that he made it very easy to walk away and never look back. Easiest breakup ever! I will say that my standards were much looser immediately post-marriage. I was emotionally raw and needy. I know for a fact I wouldn’t have ever had a relationship with Tex if I’d met him a year later. I have no regrets but, in hindsight, I was way too tolerant. I think my excessive tolerance was rooted in a belief that I should try harder in a relationship after a failed marriage… nevermind that the relationship was all wrong. I’m pretty sure he’s in a serious relationship now.
  • Hayden: My current love. You all know the story here. My relationship with Hayden has been detailed since our very first date.

As you can see, I don’t have a healthy relationship history or else I’d be living happily ever after. None of the relationships were abusive or necessarily problematic other than being dysfunctional.

My quest for a healthy relationship continues and I suspect it has to start with me. I freak out, over-react, and get spooked easily. I overthink.

I need to calm the fuck down and relax.

I saw Hayden on Wednesday night. We went to Mexican food, had copious sex, and watched 2 episodes of Six Feet Under. I’m seeing him again tonight (woohooo!) – we’re going to see Wonder Woman. And we may even see each other tomorrow night, too – our plans to see Beauty & the Beast in the park might still be a go if he doesn’t get overly sensitive about seeing each other 2 nights in a row as he sometimes does.

Things are going really well with him. He checks in via text every day and evening on the days we don’t see each other so I’m feeling secure in the frequency and quality of our communications.

A dude asked me out on OK Cupid a couple nights ago and I still haven’t responded. Maybe now is a good time to deactivate. I have no business being on there if I feel weird about accepting a first date. And I would feel weird. Should I be dating if I’m professing my love for someone else? Probably not.

On the Verge of Overthinking Again

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I find that I am happier when I don’t think too much about / read into my relationship status with Hayden.

I am happy as a clam whenever we spend time together. However, I question everything and start to overthink while doing the mundane every day stuff like commuting, running errands, or taking my morning shower.

I love Hayden to pieces but I question if he’s meeting my emotional needs. I feel satisfied but something is bothering me.

For example, he still hasn’t asked about my vacation despite seeing him twice since I’ve returned. Does this mean something? Does he not care? Or does it mean traveling just doesn’t interest him?

He knows I got sick, he knows my windshield cracked… but he hasn’t asked about what I saw or did.

He came over on Monday night to watch The Bachelorette. My kids were acting like nuisances – it was embarrassing and stressful. Hayden was very understanding, making jokes about locking them in their rooms and offering to rub my back. He gets it.

The show is heating up. The bachelorette, Rachel, is going deep emotionally with the guys who are left. I admire her tenacity, honesty, and fearlessness.

What’s really interesting is that while she questioned one guy in particular who I commented didn’t seem ready to commit to her, Hayden started shaking his leg nervously. He’d never done that before. It was bizarre.

Does that mean something?

Hayden and I are meeting for Mexican food tonight. And we also plan to go to free movie night in the park (the 90s version of Beauty & the Beast) with a picnic dinner on Saturday night.

I feel closer to him than ever before, but I also know that if he blows it again and freaks out, it will absolutely be over. A platonic friendship may be possible after the dust settles but we’ll never again have anything sexual. Because if he breaks my heart again, I’ll never be able to trust him. Enough is enough.

I spoke with Racer X today on my commute into work. Although we’ve exchanged frequent emails, as usual, we hadn’t spoken since his visit in early May. It was so good hearing his voice and catching up with him. I’m considering meeting him in Chicago while he’s there on business in early October. He will have a hotel room for 4 days and has invited me to crash with him. Plus, we’ll have 1.5 full days with each other before he has to do the work grind. I’ve never been to Chicago but have always wanted to. And maybe I can see Josie while I’m there!

I Deleted Tinder

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I deleted Tinder this morning. Although I’d had some promising recent conversations on the app, they eventually died off like they usually do… and I wasn’t feeling that excited about any of the new profiles I was perusing.

Deleting was an easy decision.

I still have OK Cupid and have even had a couple promising conversations before leaving on vacation. One dude wants to meet up this week. I’m not sure I will. I suspect it would be like opening a can of worms given that I am not emotionally available.

I check in on the app less and less, though, so I’m pretty sure it’s just a matter of time before I disable my account there.

Return to Technology

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I am back! My trip to Idaho, Wyoming, and Montana was both wonderful and challenging.

The highlights:

  • I got to spend some time with my grandma and several aunts, uncles, and cousins.
  • Hiking in Grand Teton National Park.
  • 4th of July in Jackson Hole, WY.
  • 2 days in Yellowstone National Park, spent mainly at Old Faithful and Canyon.
  • Enjoying a gorgeous light show during the thunderstorm our night in Canyon Lodge.
  • Seeing a baby bison and its mama running fast down a hillside, then seeing the baby take a tumble and literally roll down the hill before regaining its footing.
GrandTetons

Some of the Tetons, Grand Teton National Park

Yellowstone-Bison

A bison lounging in Hayden Valley, Yellowstone National Park

The challenges:

  • The drive there and back. OMG, it was brutal. It takes 15 hours each way not including bathroom breaks, meals, and stops for gas. And there were 5 of us in my Prius, which made for a very cozy ride.
  • Half of us were sick with a tummy bug: me, my son, my sister, and my sister’s infant son. My son had it the worst. I purchased Pepto Bismol for him one day before hiking in the Tetons, which worked magically. Thank god! I wasn’t sure what to do otherwise: let him rest in the car alone – in the heat – for 3 hours? Make him endure the pain on the hike? I’m so thankful the Jenny Lake General Store sold Pepto Bismol, and that it worked. Tummy pain woke me up in the middle of the night on 2 separate nights; one of which I resorted to taking some of my son’s Pepto Bismol.
  • My mom, who stayed in Idaho to visit family while the rest of us visited the parks, got sick with a bad cold and was miserable on the drive back.
  • A pretty massive spat with Mars on the 4th of July.
  • On the drive back, we noticed my windshield has a large crack. WTH?! Now I need to fork over another $200 (my deductible) to get it fixed. I just did this in April!
  • No internet connection or phone service most of the time. My son was not happy – haha.

Today is my first day back at work. It feels so good to be back and unpacked. I did all the laundry yesterday, went to the grocery store to restock the kitchen, and gave myself a manicure and pedicure.

The night before I left, Hayden and I went back to the De Young museum for a repeat (the first time, with my kids, was a failure). We were able to see most of the museum and had a great time.

We both were in awe of this painting, below. The use of color and light was incredible. This photo doesn’t do it justice. It was so stunning that it spurred conversation with several bystanders as we each pointed out various features that impressed us.

DeYoung

On the way home, Hayden and I picked up a bottle of wine and fixings for a late dinner at the grocery store. I had to be up very early the next morning for my trip. I told him he could stay in my bed and lounge after I left and he agreed.

The next morning, he walked me to the door and kissed me goodbye.

I returned a week later, this past Saturday night. Late. Hayden insisted on coming over that night to see me. I was touched.

We had originally agreed to see each other Sunday/yesterday but Hayden said, in a text, “Why wait? I don’t mind if it’s late.” Aww.

I got home at 9:15 pm on Saturday night. Hayden arrived at 9:45.

My daughter was already in bed. My son was still up, but I told him to put himself to bed at 11. Hayden and I retreated to my bedroom. We had tender, electric, and passionate sex over and over again.

He said things like “I’m so glad you’ve come back” and “I missed you”, and even “I love you so much”. It was an emotional homecoming.

We had sex 6 times in 12 hours. We couldn’t get enough of each other. That next morning, all 4 of us went out to breakfast together. When we came back to the house, we watched the episode of The Bachelorette that Hayden had missed 2 weeks ago.

He left to go home after that… but will return tonight. Yay!