D reschedules


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D canceled tonight’s date today at noon. I’m a little disappointed but it’s for the best. He wouldn’t arrive until 8 pm tonight and then he’d have to turn around and catch the 9:30 train home. I told him not to bother if he’ll be spending more time on the train than we’d spend together.

We’ve rescheduled for next Wednesday. Bonus is that we’ll be able to have a sleepover and see each other on Thanksgiving morning.

We actually had a phone chat today to work out rescheduling details. He apologized profusely for not being in touch the past few days. At first I was perturbed and wanted him to save his breath, but he continued. He said one of his coworkers is leaving so he automatically has double the work. And he said he has a tendency to hyper-focus when he’s busy at work and not balance himself socially.

He said he’ll do much better (adding, in his words, “it’ll be good for me”) and that he’s been thinking a lot about me.

I am so much more understanding now I know the reason for the texting lapse. Work is work and, yes, most men suck at multi-tasking. I’m glad to know he wasn’t just blowing me off.

Sure, texting is easy and takes virtually no time at all… something I could be angry about… but I really appreciated that he was genuinely apologetic. Plus, I don’t know him well enough yet to know if poor texting communications is a pattern with him. Time will tell. In the meantime, I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.

So now I have a free evening. I sent a text to a newbie (he lives in my neighborhood – I’ve mentioned him before) to see if he just happens to be free tonight. If not, I’m not going to worry about it. I have some bordeaux to sip and some Grace and Frankie to watch on Netflix. It’s chilly and rainy here so it will be a good night to stay snuggled inside.

Tomorrow I have plans with Dr Russia. I have no idea what we’re doing yet, but I’m pretty sure we’ll be doing something in the east bay.

This weekend I’m meeting two of my closest friends in wine country for a girls weekend. We’re spending 2 nights in Sonoma. We have a specialty wine tour booked for most of Saturday and dinner reservations at a fancy French restaurant for Saturday night. I saw Sarah last June when she was in San Francisco for her birthday but I haven’t seen my other friend, Alison, in about 6 years. I’m really looking forward to seeing both of them.


Inside out


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My memory could be erased

And I’d still be thinking about your face

-Clouds by BORNS


I’m haunted by memories of Hayden. His hands. His eyes. His calming presence. The way he’d call me “baby”. Did he really love me? Was our relationship real? Or was it just one-sided because he was incapable of serious?

I torment myself with these thoughts.

I have no regrets. I don’t want him back the way he was. But in my fantasy, he returns to me completely recovered, ready for real, and ready to feel. Everything would be different, wonderful, and technicolor.

But I know it’s just that: a fantasy, a fairytale. Nothing is that perfect.

I am supposedly seeing D tomorrow night, and Dr Russia Thursday night. I haven’t heard a peep from either of them since Thursday or Friday and I’m pretty bent out of shape about it.

Maybe I’m part of the problem. Maybe I set the wrong precedence from the start. I’m not sure how to proceed with either of them.

Do I take the initiative and try to ramp up the texting? Do they genuinely want to get to know me? Are they playing it cool and not texting because they know I’m a busy mom and don’t want to bother me?

I briefly considered canceling both dates. I’m in hibernation mode; the thought of staying inside snuggled on the couch with a glass of wine and Netflix shows is really appealing. But, considering this will likely be the last week I’m free for the next 3 weeks, I need to take advantage of my kid-free time and actually get out of the house.

I never texted High Roller back and now I feel bad. He asked to reschedule. I have tonight free and considered offering my free evening to him or to the new Tinder guy, but the thought of spending time with myself is even more appealing.

Weekend blues


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This past weekend was emotionally rough. I missed Hayden so much. While standing in the check-out line at Trader Joe’s on Saturday, my daughter spied a get well card and wanted to buy it for Hayden. So I bought the card. I’ll leave it up to her to ask about writing in it and sending it. Most of me hopes she forgets about it. I’ll feel awkward about mailing it to him.

I cried myself to sleep last night while thinking of him. Sometimes it all feels overwhelming.

The only thing I can do is take it one day at a time. The sun always rises again… as I was reminded while pulling open my curtains early this morning. I keep reminding myself that eventually the heartache will stop. Right?

I felt well enough that I worked out this morning before work. I was thrilled. It was the first time in about 2 weeks! It feels good to move hard and sweat again, and to work out the knots and sore muscles.

I feel alive when I push my body to its limits.

Two different guys on OkCupid have invited me to the December 8th Pixies concert. The Pixies are one of my favorite bands of all time! It’s very sweet of them, and it would be awesome if 1) I was available that night (I’ll have my kids), and 2) They were guys I’m actually attracted to and interested in dating.

I matched with a cute guy on Tinder yesterday that is refreshingly honest and transparent. He asked to speak on the phone last night – always a bonus – but he wasn’t available until 11. I knew I wouldn’t feel up for a conversation that late.

He sent a message this morning and, well, I’ll just copy & paste it here.



I’m impressed. Of course, I haven’t met him yet and things always change on a dime in the dating world but I’m interested in getting to know him better.

As a writer, my pet peeves are the use of “u” and “ur” but I’m willing to look past that because he’s so genuine. (And, yes, my stupid phone auto-corrected “your” to “you’re” – grrr.)

The kids’ sleepover on Saturday night went well. It was exhausting but I’ll occasionally make the sacrifice so that they can always cherish the fun childhood memories with their friends.

In the middle of quiet


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A couple years back I posted about Dr. Aron’s 36 questions for falling in love. Well, last night I came across this brilliantly hilarious article: 13 questions that lead to divorce. From someone who’s been there, done that… it’s very true! Try out these questions with someone you’d like to divorce today.

All is quiet on the dating front. I’m about halfway into my 5-day kid custody stretch so I don’t have a date scheduled until Tuesday night… but I am quite dismayed by my propspects’ silence.

D and Dr Russia absolutely suck at text communications. There is no cadence whatsoever. Yes, it’s still early and I’ve only had 2 dates with both… but if this doesn’t improve, they will not remain competitors. Obviously. We all know how bent out of shape I get when there’s no regular text communications.

On Thursday, I sent Dr Russia a text telling him I was available Tuesday night or Thursday night. It was a rather long text and I told him that, if we choose Thursday, I could stay in the east bay after work if that was more convenient for him (he’d come into San Francisco for dates 1 and 2).

Again, it took him several hours to respond and when he did, it was a simple, “Let’s get together on Thursday night. I’m looking forward to it!” That’s it. Does that mean he wants me to stay in the east bay? I’ll assume yes for now but geez.

His texts weren’t inviting further conversation.

I sat on that for a day, not sure it warranted a response. It didn’t. But I wanted to do my part in keeping up communications so yesterday I replied, “It’s on my calendar. Have a great weekend!” He immediately replied with, “You too!”

I was disappointed.

Am I partly to blame here? I don’t double text and I don’t generally wait hours to respond to a text. But this is hard to work with.

And D. On Thursday he told me he’d take Caltrain up here for our date on Wednesday night. He asked whether it was better to take Muni or Uber from the Caltrain station. I sent a long reply telling him that Uber would be faster and easier because he’d have to take 3 Muni connections to get to my place (or 1… but then he’d have to walk the last mile all uphill).

He didn’t reply until 18 hours later to say he’d take Uber.

Geezus. Is texting really that difficult?

I’m also a little confused about what our plans are for Wednesday night. I guess he’s decided he’s coming straight here… but I have no idea what time that will be. 7? 9? This will seriously affect our plans. Dinner? Drinks? Stay in or go out?

There’s plenty of time to sort the details but I simply find it a little odd.

Because no one is fucking texting me, it’s been very quiet. Even though it’s frustrating, I am enjoying the peace and a break from the noise. It’s good for me to leave my phone alone. I am sitting with myself and my emotions.

I am fiercely missing Hayden. The way we laughed. The way he looked. The way he felt. The way he smelled. The “how was your day?” texts every day.

I caught the tail end of La La Land yesterday on cable. I’d seen it twice before, both times with Hayden. The end of the movie always makes me bawl. The “what could have beens” is gut-wrenching. New life trajectories with different love interests. Same… but different.

It’s one of my favorite movies. The subtle humorous nuances are brilliant.

My migraine finally dissipated yesterday morning after about 48 hours. Dayum, it was a doozie. I hadn’t had one in about a decade, and I’m now wondering if it was triggered by the mini pills. In any event, I’ll now have to keep Feverfew on me at all times in case it happens again.

Remember the localĀ matchmaking company I signed up with? Well, believe it or not, they contacted me on Thursday to say that one of their clients might be a match for me! They asked if I was single and still interested and, if so, they’d send over more info. Of course I said yes.

I expected to receive details via email yesterday of my new prospect, but they didn’t send anything. I continue to wait. I’m curious to see what this guy is like.

I hope you’re all having a great weekend! I told my son he could have a sleepover tonight with 2 friends, eek! I agreed out of mom guilt for being sick the past 3 weeks. And now my daughter expects to have a sleepover, too…. What have I gotten myself into?

Date #2 with Dr Russia


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Yesterday was a big day in the Rorschach household. I didn’t wear a panty liner for the first time in about 2 months… and I didn’t ruin my underwear! Stopping those mini pills was a very good decision indeed.

Unfortunately, it was also the first time in about a decade that I had a migraine. It was the second time in my life where I had a preceding visual aura, and the first time in my life where I had a dysphasic aura (i.e. speech disturbance). Scary stuff – I thought I was having a stroke.

After my follow-up doctor’s appointment where it was determined that the antibiotics worked just fine and there was no longer any sign of infection (woohoo!), I rushed home and crashed into bed for the rest of the day.

I had to cancel my 2nd date with High Roller.

Today is the day after migraine and I’m still feeling really rough. I have to go to work, though. Ugh. Fortunately, tomorrow is a holiday.

But I know you’re all chomping at the bit to hear about my date with Dr Russia on Tuesday night. Spoiler: It went really well.

Our plan was to meet at the Latin American Club at 8:30. The Latin American Club is an old dive bar in the Mission district with dozens of pinatas dangling from the 25′ ceilings and 1950s style formica tables and chairs. This bar is famous for their margaritas. Part of the reason they’re so famous – or should I say infamous – is because they’re huge! They’re served in pint glasses.

Dr Russia messaged me at 7:45 to say he was running late and that he’d be there closer to 9. I got an Uber and arrived at 8:45. I wanted to arrive first this time because I was late for our first date.

I was able to snag a small 2-top cozy candlelit booth against the wall. While I waited I texted with my sister discussing logistics of procuring tickets for the August 2018 Pixies/Weezer show.

Dr Russia arrived at 9:10. We gave each other a hug hello and he apologized for being late. He said he had missed his BART train. Weeknight trains only come every 30 minutes or so.

I was reminded of his nerdy-ness. I think it it’s his mannerisms and his vocal inflections. But I was also reminded of how cute he is: Blond haired, blue eyed, and 6’2″. He reminded me a lot of Hayden. *sigh*

We both had a margarita. They were strong but well-balanced; not too sweet nor sour. After the first round, Dr Russia opted for a second margarita. I ordered a beer.

Whereas the conversation on our first date was fairly awkward and stilted, I’m glad I listened to my gut and took another chance on him because our conversation on date #2 was awesome. It flowed nicely and we even shared some laughs (something that didn’t happen on our first date).

He asked me a lot of questions this time, including why I chose my career path. It’s an interesting story so I like to tell it.

We talked about his career path once again. I told him that I was fascinated with Russian culture and language when I was a teenager. I had even tried teaching myself Russian when I was 14 years old… pretty difficult considering there was no internet and my small suburban library only had Russian to English and English to Russian dictionaries. I had even made myself a shirt with the Russian word for “hello” on it.

He was shocked by all of this and asked why I was interested in Russia. I explained the whole post- Cold War climate in the United States and how communist Russia was seen as a threat… and it played out in popular movies and imagery in music videos. I told him one movie in particular, Spies Like Us, specifically piqued my interest.

He said, “I haven’t seen that movie.”

I responded, jokingly, “Of course you haven’t. You weren’t even born yet!”

I laughed; he looked a little sheepish.

We were both being flirty. At one point, he admired my metallic dark green nail polish; I told him he should see my toenails.

He said, “I’m incredibly attracted to you.” I told him I was attracted to him, too.

Before we knew it, it was 11:50 and I asked him what time the last BART train left. He said he thought it was midnight.

I said, “Well, we’d better get going then. I’ll walk with you there then I’ll catch an Uber home.”

He seemed hesitant to leave, but he also seemed concerned about getting back to the east bay so that he wouldn’t miss teaching his 9 am class. As we stood in front of the bar deciding in which direction to head for the transit station, he kissed me. Then he pushed me up against the wall while we continued making out.

Oh, I likey!

He admitted he had drunk a little too much. He asked, a little hesitantly as if he were overstepping his boundaries, “Do you mind if I come home with you?”

I said of course I didn’t mind; he was welcome to come home with me. He clarified, “I mean, can I stay overnight at your place?” I said yes, of course!

We got an Uber to my place, kissing occasionally in the back seat.

Once we’d arrived at my place, I showed him around. He commented that my daughter’s doll sitting in the living room was creepy.

I crawled into my bed fully clothed; he followed. He slowly undressed me and kissed me all over – it was heavenly. He provided some oral pleasure.

I tried to reciprocate but… his cock was soft. He lamented the alcohol and seemed embarrassed about it.

We snuggled instead then fell asleep. It was around 1 am.

The alarm woke us up at 7. Dr Russia seemed ready and capable of having intercourse. It was pretty amazing and he had some nice tricks up his sleeve… like the jackhammer move while on top of me and grabbing my ass cheeks while I’m on top as well as placing his hand on my perineum while he’s penetrating me.

He’d lose a strong erection every time we changed positions, though, and we’d have to gradually build up again. And he couldn’t climax. Eventually he lost his erection completely.

We had post-coital snuggles. He said, “It feels really good to hold you.” Awww.

As I watched him get dressed, I admired his adorable clothes. He’d worn black jeans, a black & blue plaid button down shirt, and dark brown leather chukka boots. I told him that I loved his black & red striped socks.

Before he caught his Uber at 8, he said he’d like to see me again soon. I told him next week would work. He said, “Well, let me know because your schedule is tougher than mine.” I said, “You don’t even have my phone number! I’ll send it to you.”

I sent him a message on Tinder around 9:30 telling him I’d hoped he’d made it to work on time and also included my phone number.

I wasn’t too happy when he didn’t text until 7:30 last night. He said he was a little late to work that morning “but nothing too egregious” and that he hoped to see me again soon. Um…so I guess the ball’s in my court to suggest a night? I’d prefer he flat-out ask me what my schedule is for next week.

D texted last night asking if Wednesday works for date #3. I told him it did. He responded, “I’m excited to see you again!” I didn’t reply.

In fact, I didn’t reply to Dr Russia or High Roller last night. I needed a night off all communications as I nursed my migraine.

The good news is that I did finish Stranger Things 2 and GLOW last night and was in bed by 9 pm.