I am feeling annoyed about almost everything right now. Maybe it’s from too much family togetherness.
I’m hoping that I’ll feel better after writing it all out. Most of this is not about dating, sex, or relationships so feel free to opt out. (I know this blog is about dating, sex, and relationships.)
This post will be long!
My mom, sister, brother-in-law, and nephew were in town on Friday night and most of Saturday. Hayden, Mars, and the kids joined us on Friday night. I ordered pizzas and we all hung out here, talking, eating, and drinking wine.
Hayden was his usual charming self and seemed to fit in well. He’d met my sister, brother-in-law, and nephew once before but it was his first time meeting my mom.
Eventually, Mars and the kids left, my mom went to bed, and my sister went to put my nephew to sleep so it was just me, my brother-in-law, and Hayden chatting until Hayden left at 10:30.
My brother-in-law was drunk. After Hayden left, he raved about how much he liked Hayden. He thought Hayden was sarcastic and witty; qualities my brother-in-law values. Then, he eventually said, “He seems much younger than you. How old is he?”
He was surprised when I told him he was 31. He said he thought he was in his mid 30s. (My brother-in-law is 34.)
Then he gave me his unsolicited opinion on how it was a matter of time before we broke up. Hey, this isn’t news to me. Hello, I’m a divorcee! Break-ups are inevitable. He insinuated it would be due to the age difference, which I think is bullshit. It’s impossible to foresee the future.
He also mused about my “magical vagina”, which was a bit offensive because it implied that Hayden was with me only for the sex.
However, he was drunk and I didn’t feel like explaining my love life to him or justifying my choices. Plus, it’s none of his business. He also got on a “trash Tex” kick which I thought was pretty ridiculous.
Then my sister woke up from putting her infant son to sleep and came out and continued the nit-picking. Geezus. The gist is that she thinks I’ve changed and that I’ve lowered my standards. WTF?! She did not like Tex at all. She has no reason to dislike Hayden other than the fact that he broke up with me once before. It’s an infuriating double-standard because her own husband broke up with her multiple times before they got married.
Plus, I think it’s ridiculous to think she knows in which ways I’ve changed and how I’ve supposedly “lowered my standards” when I haven’t dated in about 20 years. She was a teenager at that time. What did she know about my standards back then? I can only recall one boyfriend that she actually liked upon meeting. Hell, she didn’t even like Mars for the first year or so we were dating!
I had been drinking and was tired but mainly didn’t become livid about these personal attacks until after I’d had time to process the conversation.
The next morning, my mom told me that she thought Hayden was very nice. Once again, his age came up in conversation. When my mom found out he was just 31, she seemed surprised and said, “Good for you!” Why does everyone make such a big deal about his age?! I don’t. I am not with him because of his age.
I need to grow a thicker skin about this because it’s bound to happen again and again.
I am with Hayden now and was with Tex in the past because I deliberately chose them. They are and were not a default. Yes, Tex was socially awkward and weird… but we had a very intense connection and I felt emotionally nurtured during the best of times. Yes, Hayden is young… but he’s not the youngest I’ve dated.
In both cases, I cherry-picked both Tex and Hayden after dating dozens of guys. I have dated the worst and the best of the Bay Area. I am hardly inexperienced.
I can’t say the same about my dating experiences from my teens and 20s. I think my sister is mostly just upset that I’m divorced and in a much different place now.
In hindsight, I wish I’d defended myself in all conversations. I have a terrible habit of becoming offended and agitated by things well after they’re said. As a result, I replay conversations over and over in my head and imagine the things I wish I would have said. It’s really unproductive and exhausting.
Yesterday, we all went to the De Young museum to see the Summer of Love exhibit, then to our favorite neighborhood restaurant afterward. When the check came, I noticed that the sodas and iced teas hadn’t been tallied. I brought it to the server’s attention and Mars and my sister jumped down my throat, saying I shouldn’t have said anything at all.
Are you fucking kidding me?!
But when my daughter said, “Yeah, Mama, why did you do that?!”, I snapped. I turned to Mars and said, “I’m only being honest – you don’t think it’s important to teach our kids honesty?!” Everyone dropped it. As they should have.
Last night, Mars and I took our daughter to see the Perseid meteor shower. To escape the fog, it meant traveling over the Golden Gate Bridge into Marin and up Mt. Tam at the peak of the shower (i.e. midnight to dawn). I picked them up at 12:15.
A conversation with Mars pissed me off and only highlighted while we’re not still together. He fights dirty. He brings things from the past into current conversations for no reason other than to take focus off the things we’re fighting about. Also, he won’t apologize. I can think of only one time in the history of our 16 year relationship where he said he was sorry… and that was when we were still dating.
I was pissed but, this time, I made a deliberate choice to shut down the conversation. I could have given him a piece of my mind but what for? It wasn’t worth it to me. Thankfully, this time I’m not replaying the conversation wishing I’d said something. Nothing needed to be said. The funniest part is that he probably thinks he “won” and “shut me down” because he threw in his snide remark when in reality I know what he was doing and how dysfunctional it was.
By the time we got to Pan Toll Ranger Station, I was severely carsick despite driving. I am very familiar with the twisty mountain road up to ranger station but this was the first time I’d done it in the dark – a whole different ballgame. I was dizzy, nauseous, and had a terrible stomachache.
I stumbled after them in the dark and up a hill where we set up a blanket to watch the sky for the next hour or so. The Perseid was pretty amazing even though we didn’t get full visibility due to the bright moon.
I asked Mars to drive my car home on the way back because I was so sick.
I was back home and in bed by 3 am. Then I started itching. Oh holy hell, did we sit in a patch of poison oak?? A Google search confirmed that I probably wouldn’t experience a rash for a few more hours if it is indeed poison oak. I couldn’t sleep but that might have been because I’d had a cup of coffee at 8 pm in prep for staying up late. The itching was driving me mad so I got up and took a scalding hot bath. Surely, if I had been rolling around in poison oak, it couldn’t hurt to wash off the oil from the rest of my body.
The bath calmed me down and I finally fell asleep at 4:30 am. I woke up at 8:30 this morning. I’m exhausted.
And now I need to lug 3 large loads of laundry to a laundromat because my dryer broke 2 weeks ago and my landlord still hasn’t fixed it. Fuck me.
Hayden is coming over tonight at 6:30. I’m disappointed he didn’t suggest coming over earlier. I had hoped he’d want more alone time before the kids arrive at 8. Once again, I’m feeling dissatisfied with him and our relationship but it might simply be because I’m annoyed in general. As you all know, he saw his brother last night but didn’t invite me. I need to find out why and hope I get the opportunity tonight.
The stomachache hasn’t resolved and now there’s a new concerning symptom. Google search results were scary. So now I’ll have to schedule an appointment with my doctor.
When it rains, it pours.