This blog documents my real life. This isn’t fiction. I am retelling real events and feelings. This is a diary for my own benefit – writing is cathartic and helps me process my feelings. However, I am thrilled that you’re all here taking the journey with me. Thank you.
On my drive into work this morning, it occurred to me that I haven’t had the same level of connection with guys since I was serial dating up a storm in late 2014.
This seems counter-intuitive.
Casual, serial dating implies shallow and fleeting connections. However, I made some of my longest lasting connections during that time, namely with Racer X, Colombian Hottie, and The Blond Mandarin.
Why is this? Did my carefree ‘whatever’ nature make it easier to connect? I didn’t have rules and I didn’t have specific selection criteria for my suitors yet it seems I was much more successful at the dating game.
Racer X and I had a catch-up phone call earlier today during my lunch break. It was extremely overdue. I think the last time we’d had a phone chat was a couple months ago. We do still exchange frequent emails multiple times per week but nothing compares to hearing his voice.
He’s doing well… still disappointed that I can’t meet up with him in Chicago in a couple weeks while he’s there on business. I’m disappointed, too.
God, maybe I should just say “fuck it” and do it, finances be damned! I’ve always wanted to go to Chicago and I’d have free accommodations.
Yesterday I suggested a phone call with the guy I have a first date scheduled with on October 8th. He was game so we set our phone chat at 11 pm last after my kids were in bed. I was tired but we had a good conversation for 30 minutes. I had to cut the call shorter than I wanted because I was starting to drift off.
I have a good feeling about him.
We decided playing tennis on our first date probably isn’t a good idea, after all, since it’s not conducive to carrying a conversation. Instead we’re going to take a leisurely bike ride in Golden Gate Park.
Given how well we get along already, it won’t be a surprise when I mention he’s only 31. Hayden’s age. He has an endearing, conscientious personality and works in sports broadcasting for a major television network.
I have an appointment with my gynecologist on Monday. I strongly suspect I have BV. The smell has come back despite eschewing soap and the watery discharge is increasing to the point where I have to change my pantyliner twice each day. I hope my doctor will actually treat it this time since it doesn’t seem to be going away on its own. I suspect this has been going on for a couple months. It was less noticeable when I was having regular sex with Hayden… but the symptoms have worsened now that I don’t have anyone “snaking my pipe” regularly.
I don’t want to get intimate with anyone until this is resolved. Hell, I’m embarrassed by the smell even while fully clothed! Gross.
Today I have been seriously considering reaching out to Hayden. I know. Am I a glutton for punishment? As much as I’m replaying my fantasy closure conversation, nothing compares to the real thing.
This all came about because my daughter was literally begging me to let her text Hayden last night. It broke my heart. She knows Hayden and I broke up and that we won’t be seeing him much, if at all, anymore. She finally dropped it when I insisted it was too late. I know it’s a matter of time before she asks again.
So I’m considering sending him a simple, short text saying, “I’m feeling really hurt that you didn’t reply to my last text message…” followed by “[daughter’s name] has been asking about you and would like to send you a text if that’s okay.”
A friend suggested that she simply write him a letter but not send it. However, if she’s anything like me she’ll expect a reply. It’s possible he’s blocked my number but I doubt it being that he still hasn’t unfriended me on Facebook.
To be clear, I absolutely do not want a relationship with Hayden. I love him and I’m still grieving the loss of the sweet times we shared but he hurt me. I know he’ll continue to hurt or disappoint me until he gets his emotions and the drinking under control. That may never happen.
He can’t provide what I want or need. A friendship isn’t possible, either, at least not yet. I think I’ll be frustrated with him even as a friend.
But I would like to talk with him again for closure and to ask him if he’d be open to receiving a text from my daughter. That’s what I’m thinking today. I’m going to sleep on it and won’t make a decision until tomorrow.